I said I have Vices NOT Virtues

Initially for my birthday in Portland I wasn’t going to have a family birthday party. LaLo then told me that I was a bitch (duh) and needed to have one, so my mother is going to have a shin-dig on the afternoon of my “Big Day”. My mother has created invitations (complete with nekked baby pics… great) and sent them out, to what I thought (and hoped) would be immediate family only... not so.

Now I love my family. I really do… but let’s face it… I have to, they’re family. I live in another state for a reason. Now I would prefer my family gathering to be just that, and I would go out with friends later in the evening. But as LaLo, SB and Crazy are coming up to Ptown for my birthday, they will be participating in these festivities as well.

When JP found out that I was having a family party she was immediately overwhelmed with excitement. I told her that she didn’t need to come, but she insisted that not only was she coming, she was going to bring others to witness the debacle that is my family. “After all”, she reminded me, “who else has an uncle nicknamed Snaggletooth?”

I am going to die… and can promise you now, drinking shall begin upon (if not before) entrance to this glorious event.

I spoke with one of these relatives last night. It was Auntie’s birthday yesterday, so on my way home from work I called. Now as I have previously stated I come from a very religious upbringing. This particular family lives in Boring, Oregon. I’m not lying… it really is a town… and describes both the town and their life far too accurately.

I receive monthly letters from Auntie. The last one including such exciting information as, “It’s a couple of weeks of home projects for Uncle and me.” Continuing on about how long it will take and what they will need to do to repair the roof on their house, then about the cooler weather, finally about the amount of recycling they have accumulated… (Hey... you reading... WAKE UP… Okay moving on…)

As we discussed various events that are occurring in their lives I just sat there thinking, “Well I made out with another one of my girlfriends (oops haven’t blogged that yet), I have an internet site that shares all of my sexual experiences with random people who choose to read it, and I’m looking forward to pulling some cock soon.” Honestly I almost want to share these things with her for the sheer shock that would reverberate throughout her being.

We at one point were discussing the fact that I have felt sloth-like and not exercising as I should since the end of The Man. She said, “Why do you think that is?” Well Auntie, as I was fucking him like crazy the desire for my nude body lying in his bed, straddling him, and donning my French maid outfit needed to look as hot as fucking (pun intended) possible.

However, instead I responded, “Do you really want to know?”

“Well not if it’s too… personal.”

“Auntie nothing is too personal for me… but let’s just say if someone is going to be seeing my body, it provides ample motivation for working-out.”

So, in a week and a half’s time, I’ll have the opportunity to hang out with those I really do love, who find me a heathen sinner (well… I suppose if the shoe fits), and celebrate the beginning of the next decade of my life.

I hear that women hit their sexual prime in their 30s… if this last decade has merely been an intro into that… Oooo Doggie. Watch Out.


"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be sure they're going to have some some pretty annoying virtues." ~ Elizabeth Taylor