Sometimes Veruca… Other times Fiona

I’ve been a bad bad girl,
I’ve been careless with a delicate man.
And it’s a sad sad world,
When a girl can break a boy
Just because she can.


There is a guy in my life that I have been involved with lately. He is an amazing guy. A NICE guy. I generally don’t do well with nice guys. I need someone who is strong that can tolerate me and (gently) put me in my place. Maybe he can.

The sex rocks my world. He’s not such a nice guy in the bedroom… which is Fucking Stellar. Any man who will bend me over his lap, spank my ass, check to see how wet I am and spank me some more… all the while I can feel his cock getting hard underneath me… dear lord. Beater bank material for life, I swear.

But we have reached a crossroads. He is no longer in Cali with me.

When he was leaving California, I told him that he needed to prepare for someone else. That this... us... wouldn’t work… both he and I and this incredible distance that would soon be between us.

To be honest as I sat there at our last meal together, I knew this wouldn’t work. I thought that I needed something different, someone different. Perhaps I shouldn’t have taken it, this, as far as I did. Maybe when a friend said that by doing this with him I was a selfish manipulative dominating attention whore, he was right.

I didn’t want to believe that. I was making this part of his life better. He would recognize that and he would move on. This was just another chapter closing and we were both moving forward... away from this thing that we had created.

I was supposed to move on first. That’s how I work. Yes, I know COA / COU (Center of Attention / Center of the Universe), but at least I am being honest… with you.

I spoke with him the other night, I found out she might be coming to visit him. He’s located closer to her now… maybe they can rekindle where they once left off. Maybe he now has the chance for true happiness. I honestly don’t think I am the one able to give it to him, nor he I.

Then I did what I hate me for. I pulled, “But I thought maybe we could make this work.” I reminded him of how much I love him. I told him how it hurt me that he would talk to her, but I understood why he had to… I told him I just hadn’t expected my heart to get this involved in it.

Did I say this because it was true? Or did I say this because the thought of needing to go out and find something real… of not having him to speak with nightly was just too much for this selfish manipulative dominating attention whore to deal with?

We ended it… we decided that absolutely we needed to tone back what we were doing right now. That lasted for a solid five hours. It obviously didn’t work.

He says he would move here. He says he would marry me. And I’m afraid I’ll be nothing more than a heartbreaker… I would realize now that I have it, I don’t necessarily want it. He will “be the happiest soul who has ever breathed”... so he has said, that truly delights me.

In the utmost sincerity and honesty I have NO desire to break his kind heart. I don’t want to be the Lenny to his bunny… though maybe I already know my own strength .

So what now? I just need to let go... Let he who would treat me like a princess and queen for the rest of my life walk away...

I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
Why are you so far away?