Super Highway of LOVE

I’m not sure if I have mentioned this previously, but my roommate LJ is 15 years my senior. She is fabulously nice and uber hot, however she and I are on different planes as far as relationships. I would prefer to not have the ‘R’ word in my vocabulary while she seems to be frantically searching for “The One”.

In this failing mission she has taken up the www to assist her in this scavenger hunt of love. Although I may have mentioned contemplating such a thing, I have never actually followed through with it. So it is with much interest that I have been following her and this adventure.

I have wanted to see her profile, but never asked her how to access it. So the other day I decided I would just search on the site for her. The first few steps to get into the site, it asked some questions (gender, age, location) and I suddenly realized I was creating a profile… I quickly aborted the mission, and when I received the confirmation email, I deleted it.

That evening I happened to check my email, and apparently the information I provided them was enough to find me six matches. Now I was intrigued. Knowing nothing more than I was a female from Laguna Beach that’s 29 years old, I have the opportunity to now meet the man of my dreams? Genius.

I opened their information, I mean how could I not? So of the six, one also was matched to LJ (really what were his specifications of the woman he wanted?), one was already matched, and one was a “male seeking a male”. Now I get that I was a gay man in my past life, but seriously?

I promptly forwarded my matches on to a friend (seriously, I CNN everything) and reminded him of how many eligible (ish) bachelors out there wanted this.
:hand sweeping down length of body:

I get that people want to get married. I am actually not opposed to it. I just really think that pickiness should go a very long way in finding the right match. I mean, there is someone out there for everyone, right?

Take Onion for example. He is married… to a woman of equal (if not surpassing)… um… girth. They have found one another. A life long companion… However I take little to no comfort in this knowledge.

The other day LaLo was talking about how sad it is that Onion is getting laid and I’m not. She said, “Granted it is fat sex, but he’s still getting some. That is, if he can find it.” She then proceeded to outstretch her arms from her 100 lbs frame in an attempt to represent his size and made thrusting hip motions. I threw up a little in my mouth.

However that did nothing to prepare me for what the new guy (NG) in the office told me yesterday while at lunch. NG told me that he will notice attractive women on the street. I agreed and said I do to. How can you not notice attractive people… really.

Now I have never been to lunch with Onion, however apparently he’s one of the ‘construction site’ stereotype guys that doesn’t only take notice, but then will go on about the “tits on that broad” or what he could do with “a piece of that ass”. I guess when Melon is with them, it’s tenfold.

I was horrified. I have definitely worn my far share of morning after, walk of shame outfits to work. Yes of course, I walk into the office and promptly place on three sweaters due to the frigid temperatures that Onion keeps the office at… which someone brought to my attention that perhaps he isn’t so warm, but likes seeing me *uh-hem* cold.

NG is a cool guy, one of the two people in the office that I would hang out with socially. He is chill and laid back, but not laid back to the point wear he wants to speak with Onion and Melon about eating his wife’s pussy, and how big her tits are, which is apparently the only genre of conversation the two of them carry on with one another.

The other day NG went out to lunch alone with Onion, listening to him mentally masturbate to every chick he saw, describing in detail “what he would do to her”. Finally returning to the office, merely half a block away NG was revolted when suddenly Onion rolled down his window, leaned out as far as his fat bod would allow him and screamed, “Nice rack! Like to get my hands on those!”

NG was appalled as Onion looked back at him, smirking and nodding his head in utter satisfaction with himself.

Now, if Onion could find a lifelong mate, I have to believe that anything is possible. LJ should have no problem find the man of her dreams… www away…