On my mind…

These things have been running through my mind seemingly constantly for the last few days.

I feel as though I need to stop sharing TMI on this blog… as much as it started out as something fun and frivolous I am becoming self conscious about the things I have been sharing lately. Some of you and I have gotten to know one another better and it is an odd aspect of my life to be familiar with if you hardly know me. Most of you all have blogs and unless it is a “sex” blog you don’t write this shite. Why should I?

I am stressed and excited to move to Portland. I had no idea the cost of living had increased so much… and in the neighborhood that I want to live in, the housing costs are comparable to where I currently live. I am sorry, but the Pearl District is awesome, but I would have never previously considered it something that would give Laguna Beach a run for its money.

I need to find a job in Portland. I assumed in moving back that a pay cut would occur. I also want to change the genre of work that I am currently doing, so I will have to start all over again, most likely at a nearly entry level position. This doesn’t bother me too incredibly much as long as I am doing something I enjoy, and the possibility for growth exists. It still is a big change, and I feel like I should already be on my career path at thirty years old.

At thirty years old, I am not where I imagined myself being. I mean I love my life and feel very blessed to have done the things that I have had the opportunity to experience… but I am surely not on the path to retire at forty, as I don’t even have the career I see myself in a year from now. I also am not in any serious relationship and feel that at this age I should be… I mean if I want kids I should within four years and I am not even interested in anyone right now… how is the world growing up around me and I am staying stagnant?

I had really been proud of myself for quitting almost all of my partying. In between Portland and the other night… as well as have a couple of party weekends in a row, I feel like I am, yet again, making no forward progression in my life.

My mother arrived in town last night with my nephew, Josh, and her boyfriend. I haven’t yet seen them and they are occupying their days with Disneyland and Universal Studios. I however have offered to baby-sit him on Friday night. My sister just forgave me a couple of months ago for last year’s trip to California with my niece. I haven’t hung out with my nephew by ourselves for three years, since he was five. Trying to keep my rep as the “cool auntie” I am trying to come up with things to do… It may end up being a night at Dave n’ Busters. I am excited to see him… and hope to have my room clean by tomorrow. I may need to skip school tonight to ensure it gets done.

Why am I even in school. The writing class is the only one that I really even care about, but find that I haven’t kept up on even that homework. I can come up with a million excuses as to why I haven’t completed my assignments, but they would merely be excuses. I am lazy and can find a bazillion things that I would rather occupy my time with, rather than complete assignment that aren’t even difficult. In addition if I move back to Portland, I am aiming for May or June, so I wouldn’t even be there for the end of the term. So maybe I should just drop out. Yet again proving to myself that I have lack of follow through on virtually anything in my life… How to win friends and influence people at the age of 30.

I am really not in the depths of despair or anything… these thoughts merely floating through and resting themselves in the recesses of my mind and everywhere in between. Thus the melancholiness of the last few days. I have a smile on my face and am fine… it’s a sunshine day, after all.