Flava of Love

A couple of weeks ago I was talking with one of my girlfriends when she asked if I was going to watch the season finale of The Bachelor. I laughed and said that I never watched those shows, although I contemplated auditioning for the bachelor when they came through OC, I assumed with my luck I would actually be chosen, and I wouldn’t want to go.

She said, “You should be on it, you are gorgeous and funny, you’d be famous.” I told her that I couldn’t be on that show, I would never fight over a guy like that. My test to that statement came this weekend.

For almost the last eight months I have been in the midst of a pseudo-relationship with EB, a guy I meant through this very blog [commence with shock and horror now]. Longitudely challenged, we have kept our relationship to hours upon hours on the phone, emailing, chatting and the occasional visits when possible. We have never been committed although EB has been completely faithful to me this entire time, not dating anyone, not even holding tha hand of another girl, let alone kiss anyone or have sex. We have always been very open and honest with one another. If you have read one of my sexinoc stories they didn’t occur without his prior knowledge.

EB calls and wakes me up every morning. I call him and talk to him on my entire ride to work. Once I get to work we chat throughout the day, until he gets home from work, which is nothing more than my lunch time so I call him and talk throughout the hour. When I get off a couple hours later I call and talk to him on my way home and we talk in the evening save for a few hours. We fall asleep while on the phone and throughout the evening I can hear him occasional say “Baby?” I reply, “I am here” and we fall back asleep. And round in circles we go with “phone” thrown in at least a couple times a day for good measure. Very high school, I know.

When I decided to move away from OC a few months ago, I really started to think about how this might be the time that I could take at least two weeks off to go stay with him and see if in fact, we would be ready to move our relationship several steps forward and I would move there.
Around the same time he met another girl (through the fucking blogs, no less). This didn’t really bother me much until one day I read her blog, and she talked about being in love with him. I got quite sick to my stomach and no longer allow myself to read her blog as it just upsets me. I talked to EB about it and he assured me that nothing is going on, on his side.

EB and I were both looking forward to me coming there in May, talking about the plans for our future. I had playfully been looking at housing in the area to get an idea of what the housing was like and where we may live… honestly nothing had been decided, but was fun for us to talk out the “what if’s” of it all…

He developed an interest in the other girl. I couldn’t get mad, it’s not like I haven’t had real life crushes… but he wanted to meet her. This was odd to me as I anticipated being there in just over a month and couldn’t understand why after all of this time telling me how much he loved me and saw his future when he looked in my eyes, why he would want to meet her “to see”.

I told EB Friday night that I would commit to him (I haven’t committed myself to someone in eight years. I may have long-term non-committed relationships, but never committed). Saturday morning he told me he was not sure about us having a commitment, as I have always been hesitant with the two of us being together, if I was doing this out of a jealous reaction (which I have done before) and we didn’t work out, he would be forever mad that he passed up the chance to meet her.

Now, I am no soothsayer. The future is anyone’s guess… but to be burdened with the possibility of being held responsible for the demise of a relationship that hadn’t yet begun, was not something that I was willing to do. EB said that he needed a week to figure things out. I told him I was leaving all choices up to him, if he wanted to meet her or wait until after I came there, this would have to be his decision. After we got off the phone I realized what a relief I felt. Whatever choice he would be making in the upcoming days, the future would not be in my hands.

I however, had no idea that “time to himself thinking” would consist of the time in between hanging up the call from me to picking it back up to call her and invite her to visit for the weekend.

I know that I have had random hook-ups in these past months, almost all of them were pre-known to him and none of them consisted of a guy who had feelings for me nor that I had an interest in, coming and staying for the weekend. Upon finding out that she was on her way to his house, I obviously got upset. EB called me and told me he would have her turn around. Sure, a six hour drive down to his house, and she gets a phone call part way through that she is going to have to turn around. He chose her for a reason and so she was going to come.

In anticipation of her arrival he texted me that he thought he made the biggest mistake of his life. I answered EB saying, “so do I”. We both reminded each other that we loved each other. I called him (which is unlike me in these seemingly “break-up” situations) crying and just asked him what did he expect to happen? Was he now going to give up on nine months of us being “together” for some chick he has been talking to for merely a month?

I arrived at Le’s (not wanting to sleep by myself) took a sleeping pill and fell asleep… for a bit. I awoke up throughout the night upset, knowing he was having sex with her, when just the day before he was discussing our future children with me. I took another half of a sleeping pill... anything to escape my head and got a few more minutes rest.

I returned to my house this morning trying to get settled into the reality of the situation and deal with it. I sat down and turned on the TV, and what else would be on, other than “You’ve Got Mail”… I watched it through occasional tears when I received a text from him, “I just keep thinking about you. Sleeping. Crying. Hurting. I made a horrible mistake. I will always regret it. And I will always love you.” So, he texts me while with her? I became even more confused.

I decided I had to get out of my house and headed down to the local coffee shop. Lalo called and gave me the mandatory girl “you’re so much better than him anyway” pep talk. I hung up and the phone rang. EB.

“Hi. How are you doing?” What was I supposed to say to that? Why was he calling me? Where was she?

“How do you think I am? I’m trying to be okay.”

We proceeded to have a several minute conversation while I gathered my things and left the shop in tears and had to once again return home, talking with him the entire way. He was out getting them breakfast. He reminded that he loved me more than anything, this was the biggest mistake of his life, and he just would feel better if I yelled at him so he knew that he was getting what he deserved. I told him I couldn’t do that, I am not like that. We got off the phone as he arrived back to his house, where she was waiting for the food.

In the matter of twelve hours EB has broken my heart and continues to be a jerk to this poor girl at his house, texting me and calling me when he’s away from her. (Yes bitter and heartbroken girl calling someone a jerk.)

It truly amazes me when someone you think is incredibly nice, too nice even, will rear their ugly “asshole” head. It shocks me because it is so unexpected. I have decided from this point on I will only be dating assholes, at least I know what to expect from them, and won’t be surprised by it.

Yes, I will never be one of those girls that throws down for a guy or argues over any man who doesn’t have balls enough to make up his mind and not be selfish with the hearts of others. My time and my heart are more important to me than that, and they should be as important to someone who truly loves me.

The problem? I still love him.